Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
