just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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