I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
