Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
