tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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