remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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