He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We are all done wearing pants today
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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