I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
