drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
