dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
