I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
