Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
