sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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