the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
