sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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