"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
