WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
