i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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