Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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