apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
