why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
