So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
