i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
