Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
