I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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