I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
only you would photoshop your dick
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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