god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
