I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
