actually, I'm a sock model
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
