Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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