shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
