I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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