My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
