I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
