I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
