OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
