I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
