so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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