Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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