I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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