I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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