he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
