I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
