Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
