here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
