im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
