Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
