My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
