you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
