I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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