Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
