I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
